Xohn's Story: Chapter First: Star Juice
Xohn Starstrucker took a swig from a flask of curdled milk. Supplies aboard her starship the Starborough Fair were dwindling because she was adrift in an asteroid belt outside the Slebgrall System. “I wish I hadn’t run out of alcohol” said the captain of spaceship, her. She cock her xenon pistol. “Guess I’ll smuggle”
“Got to find some artifacts said her ship engines.
Xohn landed on the planet Snick and she was wearing a cool leather boots with kknives and this laser vest and a band of leer that had all her ammo and it looped over and around and over her shoulders and between her tasteful breasts. SHe went to the space tavern and asked the barkeep “Where are the artifacts here” and he polished a metal cup and said “Ah, looks like the beasts of Mars have them in the hill-vaults” He took a swig of metal cup “It’s illegeal”. Xohn pumped her argon shotgun. “I’m illegal” she said. “Ok” said the beer guy.
Xohn went to the stables and there were many speed bikes and a Zeep but Xohn took an alien with a saddle he looked like a 6 legged horse-monkey but instead of legs he had laser jets his name is Samson. The way to the hill-vaults was marked by flares. “Off we go, Samsman” Xohn barked;
The way to the hill-vaults was marked by pylons. The pylons were the remnants of the great Solar Association who had populated the universe when time and space were inverted. The hill-vaults had the big boat steering wheels on them like a real vault in a bank, but they needed a password but the password was on a sticky note on the door. Samson put in the password while Xohn waited nearby, polishing her
Just then there was a knock on the hill. Xohn opened, and there was the Beasts of Mars. She took her boots and placed them on the ceiling with magnets because she knew there was about to be A LOT of blood and her cold leather boots were rare and expensive. The smuggler juggled her guns and said “Time for a struggle” she caught her xenon pistol in her left hand and chambered a sodium round in the chamber and cocked it and spun the cylinder and it landed on a chamber that said TIME’S UP and she pulled the trigger, blasting a bullet through the Beasts of mars and all of them were
in single file so it was a QUINTUPLE-BRANSHOT as they collapsed, spewing noxious chemicals and eldritch bile. One of the Beats was alive still because he was the Alpha and his reflexes made bullets wary. He reached out with a wistful arm and used a claw of great renown to flap the cold gun out of Xohn’s bulky arm-hand. Xohn flicked her cigarette I guess it’s dukes now” she spit. She turned her cowboy hat backwards.
THe Beasts of Mars were great at propheices “I’ve got a prophecy for you” snarled the Asphalt. “Nostradomus told me that you’re dead meat>” Xohn jumped up landed on her knees with one of each knee on one of the Alpha’s granite-like shoulders and she started noggin-boppin’ him in the skull, her fists were like bone-hammers. The beast reached up and tried to grab her cowboy hat but she had cleverly turned it backwards remember and he couldn’t reach it. He stuck his forkéd tongue into her exposed navel, stabbing her fleshmeats. Xohn winched in pain, but she reached down and snatched his tongue and smirked and said “I’m on the first date” and then she did a backflip off of his shoulders while holding his tongue and it flung him backwards into the vault just as Smason had opened it. The beast flew into the vault just as Samnos had opened it and there he was in it. Xohn fwhipped out her argon shotgun and loaded in a potassium shell and chk-chk’d it and as she lowered it at the beast he cackled and said “Wait don’t you want to know about your ancestors?” and she pumped the shotgun again and the shell came out and this time she loaded in a Rutherfordium shell and she bit her lip hard and said I’m making a deposit in this vault and when she pulled the trig an unknowable blast came out of the barrel of it and little pieces of metal ripped through the Alpha Beast and his muscles came out of the holes. He was all shrively now and not even your mother could love him. His muscles writhed on the floor and spelled out “I know your destiny” before they slithered off out of the place.
In the vault there was a single prophylactic and it was filled with what the gods made the universe out of: Star Juice. xohn hefted it into her canvas satchel and said it’s gonna get payday. “Now I just need to smuggle this somewhere” and she walked back to town. The barman gave her some wide eyes, and she said “I’ll take one scotch, black” and he poured her a drink and said “help we’re under attack” and when she looked out the window he was right it turns out there were Imperial thugs in the village garden. Her ship had a big metal ball on a chain tied to it like a prisoner and there was no way. She put on her boots and there were knives in them and she slid out two knives
and said “Knives, hear me now.” she put out her arm and Chessboard the black and white falcon landed on it She drew her two knives and chuckled and her eyes rolled back into her head until the black and red irises that were on the back of her eyes came forward and that meant she was in battle mode. “It’s time to get off this blackwater planet” said the smuggler and she pulled out her knives. “Even if I kill someone.” and she ran out into the street for fighting.
To Be Continued
Xohn's Story: The Secon d Guy
Xohn drew her two knicves they were named Murder-Star and Galoxy of Blood/ Their blades were made from moons. There were imperial fistmen, and their fists were as big as your pelvis. “Seamus” Xohjn said “this is enough. What about old times sakes”. One of the fistmen turned and saidc while squinting “This is only the begininng” Xohn sheathed her two stabbers and knocked back her pistol. The empire’s goonboys walked sllowly towards her with their faces facing down and their eyes facing up. Xohn aimed her gun toward the turbing on her ship the Crimson Meteor and used the remote start on her electronic bracers and fired a shot and when it hit the spinning turbiune the turbine took the shot and spun it around and launched it back out and it hit one of the fistmen in the back of his neck and it blasted his neck tendons out the front of his throat and also his adams apple and that got caught in his rubbery neck-tendons which slingshotted his adams apple back at him and it went through his forehead and pierced his brain and he was pronounced dead.
Seamus frowned. “That mand was just doing his job What can I tell his family??” ZXohn flexed a bicep and spat on it “War is hell don’t you remember that time on Zylon-12” Shamus smirked and snickered. He said ‘Man we sure have a long and interesting history together,” as Xohn shot and killed him. The remaning fistmen put their big brass knuckles that were jetpacks and they pointed their arms at the ground and launched off into the sky buy one of them didn’t do that he got into Xohn’s ship and took off into the space.
“By the rings of Zenoron, my ship is gone from me,” boasted Xohn, adn she knew in her bones that she would have to go to the shipyards of the Czar “CURE MY BONES,: screamed Xohnsey. SHe tapped a few keys on her grizzled wrist communicator and a portal to the cyber-bus station opened and she wernt through it and bought a ticket. The bus-driver arrived with 50 drones blasting at this bus and yanked the emergency plasma brakes and the bus spun around and stopped and screamed “GET IN”
Xohn did a kickflip and spun into the bus door and her knees got banged but she didn’t say anything. She and bus-driver Mobox Plomazar who was an alien with more knees than a man looked behind and saw it was Father War the head priest who was in charge after the Catholics and the greek gods combined. He had a big hammer and a submarine gun and he was a-coming. The drones swirled around and lifted him in the air and he started smacking the bus and Mobox FLOORED it and the cyber-bus turned into data and was sent through the internet. Bret we’ll never see him again said the narrator.
Xohn and Mobox went in to the shipper’s and ordered a new ship from the clark at the desk and he said “Get this ship it is the latest modem and so Xohn and mobox got a big triple-decker Obadiah-class warship with secret panels and a lot of turrets on one side and a lot of shileds on the other, to increase tactics.”I’m never going to see this coming” said Xohn and she spray-painted a decal of a lava falcon on the wing and chastened it the ship “The Skull of the Cosmos” and then she jumped backwards while twisting in slow-mo and firing her gun because just then the doors opened with a slurping sound and who should come in but Father War and he was carrying Seamus’s lifeless gray corpse with beetles coming in and out of it like a subway station. It was tepid.
Father War smacked the bullets and came at us. He had boots with missiles and he reached down and pressed on with his forefinger and the missile blasted at ya but lluckyly that was the side of the ship with the shields so i guess you could say it worked out because of destiny anyway Xohn rolled along the ground like a snarling thief and soon the only thing that was left was to jump to the ship door. Mobox and Cranch the ship saleman were already inside and Mobox was tied to the pilot’s chair with a cool headset on and he was getting ready to activate the warp drive which was a big interstellar magnet that you would point at a magnet at the place you wanted to go and it would magnet-yank the ship there. Xohn stood up and took her shotgun and then put her hands on her hips in poise where her hands where on her hips with the shotgun in the hands and the shotgun was pointed down and then she said see you really casual and you couldn’t even tell that she was pulling the trigger and the shotgun plasted and it launched her up into the air and smirked and she landed upon the gangplank? Her long shapely legs were still attached. She tossed a molecule grenade as the ship took off and it turned the hangar into water. Father War swam still.
“MOBOX WHERE?” said Xohn and Mobox looked her dead in the eyes and said reminded her that Earths solar system was a bad place because the sun had died and now was a ghost that haunted the space and the humans had escaped by hollowing out the moon and putting thrusters on it and turning it into a spaceship.
“MOBOX WHERE” asked John and Mobox looked her dead in the eyes and spake “Earths’s solar sysytem.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”
This is the chapter.
Forth Chapter: Rectifation
Down in the belly of their ship Xohns and Cranch and Moxom? were scouting.out and they were in the solar system. “Look on the map said Xohn and she was right. There were the planets, holding council.We have to decide what to do about the sun” said Neptune, prince of the outer reigns. But Xohn and Cranch pulled the wheel and steered their ship the Solar Mantis out of the way and went elsewhere to the asteroid blets that held the College of Astral Ogres. Xohn jerked her leg up and a proton cigarette came outof her boot-hole and she caught it in on the edge of her pointed tongue and then winked so fast that it made a spark and the spark lit her cigaretgte and she puffed it real cool. She loked up and said “looks like we’ere going in there” and she put out her arm and pointed her finger and pointed at the College of Astral Ogres where they were going to go.
The shep docked in the dockers and they got on out but left Samson behind to crank the ship engine so it would be ready to go when they needs. The college doors opened and Ogradeen greeted them with a hefty salute and said you are yours to demand. His robes were the color of a black hole he was a big dude and one of his tusks was broken off and replaced with a laser tusk. Xohn said show me where it is and he sputtered and spoodled and scurried down a dark musty tunnel into the Den of Maple. “Here was have awokened the dark film that covers the mind of the Universe.”
Xohn went with the other characters to a differnet part of the college, and here they learned to harness the energy of Zao Gube, an old monk who was a mystic and he practitioned the arts of Plasma Death and he could make plasmas in the minds of his enemies. “This will help you on your journey” said Zao Gube and Ogradeen at the same time but Xohn just spun her guns around and said “This is my magic.” “Be warned Xohn” said them “You will have great folly and you cannot do this” Xohn spat her proton cigg at the floor and the floor caught on fire but the flames burned no man. “My ancestor was a great king of men I defy your magics” and she jumped and flipped up and turned on her magnet boots and started to walk away on the ceiling and Mobox and Cranch followed but they had no such boots and thus they were just on the floor underneath her and their heads almost bumped hers.
“BEWARE THE SUN” shouted Professor Mokpost out the door of his class that he taught about the sun which remember is a ghost here.
Xohn and her crew which was Cranch and Molbok walked slow-motion into their ship the Galactic Scythe while an explosion went off behind them. It was JUST THE CHEMISTRY LAB Outside the ship-gate where ships went out of the college there was bad news. Samson jestered one of his laser limbs at the screen and they saw that it was all in the barrel now. Many small ships with neutron sails and krypton masts and a tungsten crow’s nests were waiting on an ambush. It was the Pirates of the Army, a new branch of Earthen military that were pirates in space. “Fire when ready” said Rear Admirer Gondor Skullborg. THe pirate ships warmed up their doomguns and Xohn saw their reticles were skittering across her forehead inside the bridge to the ship.
“NOT SO.” she said
Xohn reached into her coat and pressed the button, triggering the mutiny bomb on one of the enemy ships which she had planted there when she was a cadet in smuggler’s school which was right next to the Pirate Agency in her youth inside the moon. When it went off the ship that it was on the ship’s flags changed colors to Xohn’s colors and the shipcrew boys had a patch on their shoulders and it was Xohn’s sijil the crossed desert eagles over a field of lavas and they were on Xohn’s team.
“Blast and FOLLY” gritted Skullborg’s teeth. He aimed to cannon at the turncode ship of traitors and that was his mistake because he turned his gaize away from the ship of Xohn. And that when she strike. “Jetscapepods now!” shouted Xohn and she pressed a button that jected Cranch’s seat out of the ship and super-blasted it in to Skullborg’s ship The Molten Apostle.
“Say a prayer for our great marter Cranch who will not be forgotten for his shelfless sacrifice. Xohn put her cowboy hat over her heavy heart and you can even see a tear running down the cowboy hat becuawse her sorrow for brave Cranch was so wet. “I’m ringing my hands” growled Mobox and his hands were fisting so tight that they turned into stone. “Those degnerators killed Cranch.” Samson turned his head down and looked poinyantly at his laser jets. Chessboard let out a lonely.
On enemy ship there was space pouring into the leaky hole in the hole of the ship where Cranch happened. There would be no rest. Admiral said “bail the space out of my ship!” Meanwheil he himself went down to torpedo tubes and started pushing torpedos out of the tubes at Xohn’s ship, the Fire Desire even though this was a menial job for the pirate apprentices but Amiral Gondor Skullgore was an man of honor. There would be no silence in space. “Enemy ship prepare for wrath and ruin and a red door” he shriekd into the walkie talkie on the same channel that Xihn’s walk-talk’er was on. She pressed the button “Roger that youre dead.” heard Skullborg crackle over his Dub-Tub.
The both captains got into the airlocks on their ships and they launched at each other towards in space. But you’re not going to believe this they were both reckless and irate so they didn’t even wear space suits so they better be fast. Holding her breath in so that her supple chest rose a bit beneath the supple leather of her sensual smuggler’s jacket, Xohn launched. She and Admiral met in the vacuums of space, in the dark where the night is alive. Xohn was holding her knives and Skullbag had a handful of bardiche in his two hands.
Xohn took her two knives and with her left hand she held one knife and the other knot was in the hand of right. She took her left hand, holding the knife which was curled a bit near the top and was made from a metal that was gorged on the planet Caesar and it has fine edge, she took that and swung from left to right at a small angle, and while she swung she moved her fingers so that the knife kind of twirled between her fingers so it sort of spun like a buzzsaw while she was swinging and while that was happening she brought her right hand up to wind back and then slashed straight down to about elbow height, trying to cut at The Admirable’s unprotected meats at the neck and below the thigh but Admiral Skullborg took his bardiche and put one hand, his left one, overtop of his right, they were both fists for he clutched the shaft thusly, and he pushed his right hand towards the left, and his left hand to the right and it made the bardiche spin like a helicopter but on a vertical plane not a horizontal plane so that it was spinning in front of him, and the bardiche was spinning so it knocked into the blade of Xohn’s right-hand attack while also part of it held fast to prevent the knife of Xohn’s left-handed attack if you remember it, that one also umpacted and so neither got through. Then what the Admiral did was, he kind of reached down and grabbed the butt of his vicious forearm with one hand and thrusts it at Xohn in the void of space where the stars look on you and judge your worth while the galaxy spins on and Xohn swung her left hand knife in a semi-circle trying to parry the bardiche thrust and then she tossed her other knife lightly and then caught the blade between her fingers and drew her arm back and then moved it forward and flicked her wrist, she didn’t use her other fingers to flick herself on the wrist she kind of smoothly jerked her wrist forward on it’s own and let go of the knife and it tumbled end over end through the darkness where the air is gone and the swirling cosmos is all about you and uncaring and the knife tip went forward and down and back and up because of the spinning of centriputile force and when it was just 1 nanometer from Skullbog’s eyeball he was jerking his face out of the way but it was too late as Mobox had shot him with a missile.
The explosion rocked Xohn into a frenzy and she began to ripple with multitudes. “Xohn swam back into the ship, knocking bits of the Admiral’s corpse out of the way as she struggled to regain her way to her ship,” said Samson, once Xohn was back on board and in the Capitol’s chair. “There is a doom” said Xohn pointing at the windshield. Out in the space, there came the ghost of the sun, it’s dead eyes were cold and emotional and everyone knew there was going to be payment. The sun began to gobble the Pirates of the Army and then Cohn thought back to the words of the professor a the College of Astral Ogres.
“We must beware.” And Xohn GUNNED the engines into the only place she knew might not be safe… the hollow Moonship of Earth.
To Be Continued
Mortuary of Edelweiss
Xohn’s starship the Mogul Ascension scuttled into the moon-tubes and the moon-tubes entered the moon-ship, the *Lunar Moon de Lune. *It was the spaceship that the folk of Earth had carve-hollowed out to make into a spaceship, as the Apaches foretold in their prophecies. Xohn dunked a med rare steak into her black coffee while she chewed on a cigar “Home sweet chrome” she whistled as the docks were there. They docked.
“We’re on the docks now” chattered Margrel, Xohn’s oldest friend and secret compatriot. Xohn closed the lid.
On the dock, Mobox and other characters lifted the goods and smuggled them but Xohn only clocked her chromium pistol and put in a new clip and started making new bullets with her hands. “The ghosts of my past?” she said. She walked down the moonar streets, boots clonking as she cantered. She passed many gang members and they had tattoos on their guns and some of them had a little switch in the side of their neck that when they flicked the switch it turned their head-skin off so you could see theyr skull looking right at you and this was intimidation. But Xohn took a knife and put it right up against gangman’s skull so that it was touching and she flicked the switch back on so that the face came back with the knife-tip inside of it and the thug screamed and was fearful. “Where is Kakbrak?” sniveled Xohn Starstrucker, portagonist in chief.
“I’ll knever give up great Lord Kakbrak, he who walks between space and in the rears of stars, vile woman and traitor to the Starshard Doctrine!” spake the man who was a skull-face. She who was that took him by the shoulders and tossed him up into the ceiling and when he came down he landed on one knee holding a ring but Xohn gave him a rejection, saying “i’m married to the Cosmos” and spin kicked the ring into his mouth and out the back of his neck.
The other gangfellas circled around and were swinging chains and butterfly knives and mothknives and one fighter held CRANCH’S SPINAL COLUMN? They all went in at once and fell upon the Xohn, knocking her down off-camera but then she propellered herself up through the goon-pile and while she was in the air she spun around and fired a shot into every man before anyone hit the ground they were dead. XOhn put one of their disembodied hands on her hip and smirked; there she saw on the floor was a map to Kakbrak’s lair drewn in their sumptuous blood.
Now I’ve got you
Xohn woke up in front of the door to Kakbrak’s lair and opened it. Inside was the gang they were called the Black Bloodrippers their insignia was a gun wearing a black hood with razors. Kakbrak was there with his gangers. He had black obsidian skin like a pillar and his eyes had little tentacles and his right arm was a big metal lobster claw with a flamethrower welded on it. He was wearing a tight black and cool armbands. Xohn drew her photon lance and hopped on Samson and jousted at Kakbrak. “Okay” said Kakbrak “she’s alll your” and handed Xohn the keycard.
But then look out, here come the agents. “Stop” said Agent Blackhole. “I work for the Agency of Extinction, and you are in a violation. We need you to fill out these forms.”
“Sign on the dotted DEATH” retaliated Xohn and jumped up sticking her boots to the ceiling and shooting guns. Agent Blackhole and his grizzly partner Agent Buckwurst dive out of the way as the room was filled with a laser light show of laser shots. Kakbrak even joined in because the police and government are foes, live free. One gang member got shot.
Xohn left the room and was sprinting around the corner on the ceiling still when she got to the other side of the corner and saw at the end of the hall was HIM. FATHER WAR. He had gills now because of evolutionary adaptation to the water. He was wearing a priest outfit but instead of black with a white collar it was red with a black color, because of blood and war. He held up his hand and said My child how long since your last confEXECUTION and a spring-loader hidden in his robe sleeves shot out and put a shotgun in his hand and he fired it and the bullets were small crosses.
Xohn summersalted forwards and slid on her knees across the ceiling firing slyly, but the war-priest was witty and spry. He dodged many shots, and Xohn had to drop down to the floor because Father War threw a gravity boomerang at the ceiling. There it was fight on. Xohn shot at Father War’s shoulders and most of the bullets didn’t make it. Father War pumped his shotgun and blasted right at Ms. Starstrucker but she dropped her barium pistol with custom space-mandrill leather grip and pulled out her two knives, known in some parts of the galaxy as the Twin Daughters of The Steel Armageddon. She used the knives to parry away the bits of shotblast and she was unscarved. Father War bit through his jaw. But then he was going to be more irate because Xohn’s gun was falling this whole time and it finally hit the floor and then the button on the bottom of the handle pressed and this was a secret button that shot out a grapple-dart from the tribes of Sapskrajj. It hit Father War in the ankle and he started to lean to the side off-balance. Xohn took this chance to run as she could hear the Extinction Agents scurrying down the hall behind her.
As she passed War-Dad he grabbed at her but she cut his arm off.
If you crossed Mother Theresa and Heffestus the greek god of hammers you would get Mother Smith and that is who came around the corner at the next intersection she wore a nun habit and had two blacksmith hammers and an eyepatch and some other greek stuff. She was the winner of the Nobel War Prize. Xohn was out of mana so she didn’t want to fit this foes and so she ran the other way. Behind her came the Agents and their red tape bureaucracy.
Xohn slapped her boots and some plasma skis popped out the bottoms and she slalomed through the halls of the place. When she saw the door that the keycard unlocked, she skidded her skis and and skidaddled through the door. It opened Kakbrak’s prison hangar. Inside was trapped a great spaceship and a grizzled old captain how was haggard and unkempt and his crew, made up of a robot and a xenomoose.
“Thank the Lord our Father Zeus and the Holy Ghost Sisyphus,” said Captain Crabapple, crutching forward on his crutch. He lost his leg in the war. “Kakbrak has had us captured here for seven-” but his words were cut out of his mouth by Xohn who used her knives to cut out his mouth. “Nice try impostor” she said wiping sweat and blood and bile from her own mouth. You are my crew now she stammered confidently at the other two folks. “I am Quoroban,” said the xenomoose in a deep voice he was a proud people. “This is Smeep” he gestured his burly paw toward the robot, who was metal but shaped like the eye of a hurricane. “This is our ship the Death of Midnight” the ship was black with red lines on the edges and the cockpit was a skull with a dark panther coming out.
“I’m your captain from now” said Xohn as she sharpened her knives with a grim determination. She had aspirations.
Xohn Quoroban and Smeep steered the ship out of the ship just as the door was being done in by the Agents and others and they took off into the sky and xohn’s other ship the American Pharoah also took off and it was starting to look like a fleet.
‘ Ad Infinitum
To be conted.